The road goes ever on and on...Friday, February 22, 20081:53PM - ChiaroscuroViewing ones past is always an emotional action. I have chosen to write my story in hopes that it may someday help others that struggle with similar dilemmas. Yet every time I feel as though my life has reached the end of my story, I find it is not so. There is always something that goes wrong. My 'ends' seem to always become beginnings. Rightly so, in life, but for my story I was looking for a moment when I could safely say, "This is where my youth ends, and my happiness begins." I suppose in some way I have found that, for I realize that no such moment will occur. Tuesday, September 11, 20074:46PM - Save meMy life is panning out, my plans are coming true, I no longer feel like a stranger here, and yet I feel more lost than ever. My mind is more unstable than before, and the more people I meet, the more lonely I feel. This is not my life until the final piece is in place. I need you here. Current mood:  crushedWednesday, July 25, 20078:18PM - Aorta Tell the TruthThere's a sheet between us. Current mood:  drainedThursday, July 19, 20078:14PM - Fell into a Burning Ring of FireMy days are waning. I feel so in between two worlds; when I look backwards, and when I look forward both are unfocused and blurry. All I can seem to do is stare at my feet and hope that the wind carries me to me destination. There are so many things that I took for granted; the comfort of home, the handful of friends, the same roads I've been traveling my whole life, I know them now without the effort of thought. And that's when I see the difficulty of the life ahead. New roads. I'm scared of getting lost and not having anyone to lean on. I'm scared of failing, when I know it is by no means but my own now. Monday, July 9, 20073:08PM - Meanful and MeaningfulThis is an interesting feeling, coming back to this after so long. But as my introspection waxes, I feel the need for extra outlets. Current mood:  contentSunday, July 9, 20065:21PM - When things get tough, some people shock you, and some people surprise youSometimes I wonder why things always get worse before they get better; and why the shitty things always happen all at once. I know many people that have had and do have far worse lots in life than myself. I've been traumatized by my childhood, but no more than everyone else, I think. I've spent a good number of my years feeling hopeless and alone, yet I have always loved people. I do. I care very much for my fellow men, and I have always done my best to be a positive (if only by the fact that it is void of negative) influence in the people's lives that I meet. I know I fall short sometimes. And sometimes I give all that I am and get nothing in return. I am used to being Atlas, it is what makes me feel worthwhile. I never asked for help; that way, if I failed, I failed alone. But a series of unfortunate events has recently crossed my path, and has not been daunted by my determination to look at the bright side of things; I have found myself of late being drowned by negative forces stronger than my will to care for others. I was ready to give up. Then something happened that I did not expect: others came to my aid. I discovered how much I am cared for, and I found that showing that I am human is not a flaw. I have people that will stand up for me when I no longer can; and I have people that will sit by my side when I feel I have nothing left. The strange thing is that my predicaments remain, I still feel as though I have hit a wall; but once again I am able to see the bright side. Once again I am able to laugh; thanks to those that stood by my side when I needed them most, even though I never asked. You know how much you all mean to me, but I never knew to the full extent. I do now. Thank you so much. Current mood:  thankfulMonday, April 10, 20063:46PM - Some Assembly RequiredI am not, as they say, insane. Not within the realm of the oh-so-delicate framework of this society. I function, I speak, I think. And yet, as time moves forward I find my own thoughts gently mimicking the framework of this society, becoming, namely, delicate. And it is not so much that my mind is so torn, or else worn down; it is not so much that it is failing to operate, it merely seems to have spread so thickly atop the subjects of my hitherto life that it has lost any traceless hope of focus. It matters not that every iota of my will may be bent upon that pinpoint of future recognition; either my will be weak or my mind be strong, but the result is the same: chaos. Current mood:  rushedCurrent music: Coldplay 'Politik' Monday, March 27, 20063:53PM - So much time and so little to do...Strike that, reverse it...I had a revelation last night. As I was trying to get to sleep I began to think about my grandparents. It was one of those realizations of mortality. Not for myself, at first, but for those that I love. And for those, like my grandparents, whose time may be limited now. I thought of how they do not really know me, and I wondered if they minded. I mean, at their age, do you really wonder what people are like anymore? Then I wondered if I minded that my grandparents may die someday without ever having known who I am. What about my own parents? Then I realized, not only do they not know me, but I barely know them, and that does bother me. I mean, they've lived almost four times my own lifetme; they must know so much more about life. Would they be willing to tell me? I really would like to know their stories, and what they've learned from them; but how could they trust me if they do not know me? And that is when I began to become aware of my own mortality. Not for fear of death, but for not having enough time to achieve all that I wish to in my lifetime. So many people I would like to know, but how can I honestly believe that I could know anyone through trust if I do not allow them to know me first? That is but one of the reasons why I feel so strongly about my writing. It is a way to share myself with others as an offering so that they may share in return. Current mood:  contemplativeCurrent music: The Music "Too High" Tuesday, March 21, 20065:02PM - Help save the human race, kill an emo kid...I can feel my life building up to something. At this very moment I can sense the world straining in anticipation. It's been building for a while, yet I still don't know what it's for. Though I can tell it will be something dramatic. The mixture of fear and excitement has driven away my emotional composure and has left me vulnerable to breakdowns. I cannot control it, it overwhelms me. All the memories seem to wash over me until I feel as if I am drowning. It is no longer the less pleasant memories that fueled my transition into an individual; it is the bombardment of all those memories that hold warm places in my heart. And those are far more powerful than the negative ones. Understanding that those memories will never materialize again in my life, that I've lost the opportunity to do better by them, that is the saddest realization I have yet experienced. Now is the time to discover if I am better because of them, if I will succeed in my chosen path; or if that choice proves to be the end of me. Current mood:  melancholyCurrent music: Silverchair "Untitled" Saturday, March 11, 20064:27PM - If Nothing Else...If nothing else within this life, Current mood: contentMonday, January 30, 20062:55AM - "Am I not allowed a single moment without mourning?"I guess I've found out I really am just that silly girl that messes everything up. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I've run out of advice to give to Tyler concerning his condition; he has rejected all the simplistic suggestions I have given him to move on. He has to make that choice himself. I am tired of trying to prove to all of my friends that this is all for the best, or more importantly, that I am a human being. Everyone wants to speak for me when talking to others. No one wants to hear my story, my feelings, or my thoughts from my own mouth. They all reckon they've got me pretty well figured out. After all, I'm just emotional baggage, right? Funny though, whenever asked why they respect me as a person, it seems to be my mind. I think for myself, eh? Or is it just the fact that I think at all? Because everyone seems to like that I'm a thinker, but they don't want me to tell them my thoughts, they'd rather tell me themselves. Is that right, Rambo? I think that, do I? Is that what I would say? Really? Because I believe it was your mouth that spoke, not mine. Everyone's accusing everyone else of not knowing me as well as they should. "You don't know her like I do." "How well do you really know her?" "How long have you known her?" "Do you really know her at all?" Perhaps if you'd all stop bickering amongst yourselves you'd have more time to get to know me sufficiently. But maybe no one really wants to know me, they'd rather know the idea of me that they each have created. I think they feel I've woven a web and spun them all into it. But I feel more as though they are the web, and I am caught. Because I try to play to everyone's happiness, and what do I get in return? Bitterness, conflict, cynicism, reluctance, anger, aggression, ambivilance. I must be a failure to an extreme degree. Only one, ONE, gives me full happiness in return. Why then it it so hard to understand why I am with him? He's the only one that listens to my thoughts; the only one that lets me speak for myself(most of the time); the only one that gives back what I put out. Current mood:  determinedCurrent music: Oh, what a loud silence Tuesday, January 24, 20063:22AM - RecoverySpoke to Tyler. Went exceptionally well considering our track record lately. I didn't cry. I just held my head high, spoke only truth, and didn't let him get to me. The most obvious thing about him right now is that he's sad. And as much as I sympathize and earnestly care for him, it is not within my power and/or my place to fix him of that now. I think he's finally beginning to understand that. His point of the evening was that he didn't want to lose me as a best friend. I never intended to take that away from him, and I told him so. I'll always be there for him, I'll listen and comfort as much as need be. But the definition of our relationship has changed dramatically, and therefore the means by which I will go about being a friend. I think he needs to learn that. My emotional energy is limited, and my boundaries are greater. Nevertheless, I will do what I can. He was concerned that Jesse was coming between our friendship. I've never seen that. Jesse is only looking out for my well-being, and since Tyler has been hurting me lately, the natural response is anger. I know Jesse respects Tyler, and he respects that I can't walk away from an almost three year relationship without some retained contact. Tyler wishes for Jesse to come to him, says he wants to understand him better, and for Jesse to understand him, also to understand Jesse's intentions toward himself and myself. I thought Jesse was making that clear, but Tyler can be a little oblivous sometimes. He asked me if I loved Jesse, I told him I did. Then he asked if I had told Jesse; as if I could keep that a secret even if I decided not to say it out loud. It's quite obvious. Then he asked if I saw us getting back together anytime in the future. And I said no. Jesse or no Jesse, I've come to the firm realization that I could not be completely happy with Tyler ever again. Not as his girlfriend, not as his wife. I know I hurt him by saying this, but to lie would have been more offensive, to both of them. He may not see it now, but I am not the one for him, I hold back his ambitions. And I know he will be great one day, I would never rob him of that. He was concerned about whether I see a future with Jesse, considering how important having a family is to me. But I told him I'm not looking that far ahead right now. I would like a future with Jesse, certainly, but those details are to be worked out in increments, and I am in no hurry. I explained to him that I'm living my moments completely, here and now, with a handful of goals for a vague future. And that is most satisfying. I understand that my complete happiness right now is worth all the trouble it will cause me in the future. He admit to living wholly in the beyond, without any concern for the present, that's why he failed our relationship, he said, because he didn't give me what I needed now in order to potentially provide it in the future. I told him I knew that, only I just got sick of waiting without any proof that future would materialize. It was nobody's fault, we were just living our lives in two different tenses, and that can't work out. I think he feels better about the situation (slightly), I know I do. It was the first time since the breakup that we talked about everyday things, like movies. I saw a little bit of the old Tyler come out during the light part of the conversation, and that gave me hope that he will recover soon. I very much want him to move on and be happy. I realize I am the lucky one in all of this, I hope he gets his turn as well for something as wonderful as I have. Current mood:  impressedMonday, January 23, 20061:13AM - I Can't Even Express...Again, I find myself bursting with emotion. Only this time, it is not suppressed tears or rage fighting to be released. It is....goodness. Instead of finding myself crying at silent moments, I am smiling involuntarily. I laugh far more than I ever did before. My sleepless nights are no longer caused by overwhelming pain and confusion, they are spent daydreaming about my love and the extraordinary memories we have made so far. I cannot help but look at my surroundings in a new light as potential for more laughter and more smiles. I notice every miniscule detail, and I am grateful for all the little things. I can once again see a bright future. Not a mapped out obsession, but a (slightly) unpredictable means by which to motivate my progression and commitment. I feel so happy, I am practically giddy, and at some moments that giddiness breaks through, yet I do not feel foolish. An overwhelming emotion by which I am not afraid to be taken over. Current mood: giddyMonday, January 16, 200610:45PM - Had a Bad Day AgainAs a human, bad days come and go. But even the bad days seem coated with some secret sweetness. Though I am tired, I still function. Though I am in pain, I remember goodness. Though I cry, I can still smile. My cloud has no power; I see the sun shine through regardless. I allow my memories to overwhelm me, and for one moment, I am consumed with pain. But I have no one to turn to. There are things that only a select few ever earn the responsibility to hear, to endure. I still feel it is not necessary to trouble some people with the negative emotions of my illogic. It is a choice I make. Yet the few I have used as outlets are no longer a part of my life as they used to be. So I must look within myself for comfort, or rather, distraction. Something to keep me going, because I know tomorrow will be brighter. And so I fumble with incoherent prayers and I look at the stars; I feel lonely yet independent. One content may still succumb to sadness from time to time. And for the first time, I am alright with that. I will not let it consume me completely. We must learn from the past without compromising the present. I am learning to do that now, and it feels good, despite the tears. Current mood: drainedSaturday, January 14, 20064:14PM - Holding on and letting go...At certain moments in our lives we realize that it is a time to let go of everything we've known in order to protect one thing that has changed our lives. We risk all for the greater good. There will come a time when we realize that to lose everything is a fair price to pay for the moments of happiness we experience; however lasting or brief. When we give in, we must give in completely. If we live only halfway, we will gain nothing on either spectrum. But to utterly sever ourselves from what we know, to consciously throw away our insecurities, we learn to build anew. And with it comes a greater appreciation for all the positive aspects that surround us. All that was beautiful is now breath-taking, all that was dull is brilliant, all that was gray is now bursting with color. Every lungful of air is sweet and satisfying, every tear of joy is as precious as gold, every touch is magnified to the limit of the senses. Life, once again, feels lived, not only tolerated, not wasted. There is a happiness there, an unusual stability, content to stand still and drink up all the glory of the moment, without allowing the past or the future to compromise the present. Current mood: determinedCurrent music: blues in the background Tuesday, January 10, 20061:13AM - A ChanceI sleep soundly once more Current mood:  happySunday, January 1, 20069:15PM - With YouIf I cry, I cry for joy. If I sleep, I sleep peacefully. If I run, I run to meet you. If I lie, I lie to myself. If I stay, I stay for good. If I stand, I stand alone. If I die, I am reborn. If I give, I give what I have. If I love, I love completely. And if I live, I live for now. Current mood:  touchedSaturday, December 24, 20056:30PM - I'm sorryI'm sorry I disappointed you all, I was only looking out for myself. I'm sorry you feel you have to choose sides, I had hoped we could all live in peace. I'm sorry you are forced to whisper behind my back, I thought we left that shit behind years ago. I'm sorry you disapprove of my actions, I cannot look for understanding. I'm sorry, I missed the part where you were all perfect. I'm sorry I've caused you discomfort; it is easy to ask for comfort at the expense of my growth. I'm sorry that you cannot see that I am a whole human being. I'm sorry that you are thieving my contentment, as it is taking much effort to keep. I'm sorry for losing you. I'm sorry for loving all of you, as you so dearly hate me now. Current mood: irateWednesday, December 21, 200510:32PM - Still breathingI am not over. I have only begun. Thank you so much for the chance to prove to myself, that I can stand on my own, and to ask for help when I need it. I am thrilled to watch as adventures unfold, and to do my best for you. I just have to remember to breathe. Current mood:  optimisticSunday, December 18, 20054:18PM - WhisperCatch me as I fall Current mood: peacefulCurrent music: Evanescence (obviously) Navigate: (Previous 20 entries) |
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